True Gaming Challenges

admin — Sun, 11 Apr 2010 06:36:43 +0000

Achievements are weak. Players have been creating their own challenges like “Beat Skate Or Die without skating or dying” for years, but the official goals set by Xbox 360 achievements rarely stray from such nail-biting feats as “Beat level 1″ or “Shoot in the general direction of 100 enemies with the shotgun”. Similar achievement systems are in the works for Nintendo and Sony systems, but you can be sure that they will be equally sissy-fied.

For the sake of the many brave souls who perished while trying to complete an entire season of NBA Live ’95 without allowing an opposing team to score a single point, we present these True Gaming Challenges to the current generation of gamers.

Freshly-Picked Tingle’s Rosy Rupeeland - 15 True Gaming Challenge Points

Walk into a store (one that deals in import titles if you live in the U.S.) and bring this game to the counter. Hold it before you in plain sight the entire time. Do not wear a disguise of any sort. Do not laugh. Hand the game to the cashier and tell him or her, “This is for me. I play games like this. I love it.”

Mass Effect - 10 True Gaming Challenge Points

Create a custom character that absolutely, positively, is not a mulatto.

Company Of Heroes - 35 True Gaming Challenge Points

Join a multiplayer game that bills itself as “noob friendly” without encountering a guy that’s using a secondary account because the 100+ wins on his main account won’t let him match up with (and destroy) actual beginners like you.

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns Of The Patriots - 15 True Gaming Challenge Points

Explain the game’s plot in its entirety to a third party without going “uh..” or scratching your head. Then take about ten seconds to describe what’s enjoyable about the gameplay. If they actually want to play the game after this challenge is completed, give yourself 50 additional True Gaming Challenge points.

Spore - 10 True Gaming Challenge Points

Resist the urge to give the game a “Best Of Expo” award without having played it, regardless of your actual affiliation with any expos.

Wii Fit - 25 True Gaming Challenge Points

Use the Wii Board regularly for its intended purpose, and not as a tray to keep your Cheetos bag and Mountain Dew steady while you watch Lazy Town.

Madden NFL 2009 - 30 True Gaming Challenge Points

After playing through one season and realizing you’re pretty much done until Madden 2010, sell the game to your local Gamestop for more than $3.

Portal - 15 True Gaming Challenge Points

Rocketjump your way through the entire game.

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True Gaming Challenges